Ch.246 A Chance to Help Others

April 2024

          Azura Memory Care has rooms for 40 people. Usually, only 4-6 residents have living partners; the other 35 or so residents are older women (and a few men) whose children act as their power of attorneys and who come to visit with their families. Recently, though, the census has changed: there are currently 10 residents with spouses at Azura.

          The situation for spouses of residents is complex. I didn’t realize it at the time, when Pat stayed at Azura and I came there almost every day to see her, but I was going through a transition period not of my choosing. I was being transformed, slowly but inevitably, from a married into a single man, from someone whose core identity was that of a husband, with requisite duties and rewards, to a person with responsibility only to myself; from together to alone. I did talk with other Azura spouses from time to time (and to my friend John, coming daily to help feed his mother). I remember wishing I had a better way of connecting with the other people facing that same transition.

          I was surprised a couple weeks ago when Patty, Azura’s activity coordinator, contacted me, asking if I would facilitate a spouse support group, now that the census was high enough to run a group. I volunteer there every week anyhow, so it was easy to agree. And we now have a spousal support group, consisting of about 6 or 7 persons, which met for the first-time last Monday.     

          I need to be a little careful here. It would be easy to project my Azura experiences and emotional reactions to everybody in the group. You could call that the “I’ve been there, and I know all about it” syndrome. Each couple is different, and each spouse’s experiences are unique. Still, there are commonalities: watching our beloveds fade away; staying in love anyhow; trusting the staff but always being ready to advocate; befriending other residents, etc. If I can help the group center on these commonalities, they may be able to help each other get through this difficult time.

          Rereading what I’ve written, I notice I sound a little distant. I think that’s because volunteering at Azura is bittersweet. I love the people, residents, and staff; I deeply appreciate the good quality of care Pat received that I still see current residents getting. But sometimes I have sad memories, such as when I went to visit a new resident’s room at her request, only to realize it had been Pat’s. It’s possible facilitating this spouse group will bring up many of those memories and feelings. I need also to recall that every day I came there, to Azura, was a blessing, an opportunity to forestall that transition to single life.