Ch.256 Love Songs, Sudden Tears

June 2024

          The Public Television Channel was in fund-raising mode, putting on “specials” that were occasionally interrupted by hosts politely but determinedly asking for money. This evening’s show was a Rogers and Hammerstein tribute. Romantic melodies such as “One Enchanted Evening,” “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning,” and “The Surrey with a Fringe on Top.” The kind Pat loved to hear and to sing. The kind I used to both scoff at and tear up to.

          I held out for a few songs. But then came a trickle of tears, followed by sobs, sighs, and quiet – until the next song, and the next. I kept wanting to share those songs with Pat, for her to be there, to be there with me. To be there for me.

          More tears the next day as I finished reading Ann Patchett’s latest novel, Tom Lake. Tom Lake is a celebration of family, set on a Michigan cherry orchard during Covid time, as Lara, a housewife, tells her three grown daughters how and why she gave up a promising acting career for life on a farm. If only it were my family, sitting around a table drinking cocoa, Pat telling our three children the story of how we met and fell in love.

          Reality isn’t kind. Pat died almost two years ago. My brother Art died two weeks ago. My horse Lakota a month ago. My collie Levi is getting old, barely keeping up with me on our walks. Heartbreak and heartache come with the territory. Love arrives and loss will follow.

          Cosmologists struggle to explain why all the negative ions in the universe haven’t completely cancelled out the positive ones, reducing everything back to nothing. Somehow, a tiny percentage of positive ions survive the fray, allowing us to exist. Similarly, I wonder why my losses haven’t cancelled my loves, leaving me at emotional neutrality. Fortunately, my love allotment just slightly outnumbers my losses. For all the pain my losses have brought, life is still good.